DIWALI

I love Diwali.

This year, having missed it last year while I was away, I’m even more excited. In the evenings, when the sun’s about to set and I get out, I’m just looking around at the vendors who are selling these gorgeous, colourful, shiny, sparkly, bright and glowing lanterns, all in different shapes and sizes, all along the road, up on poles and trees, it’s just so attractive and so pretty! Along Lakshmi Road, it glitters even more, there are people who sell Rangoli, heaps of all the bright colours add such spirit to what the festivities are about.

Gosh, India is just so magnificently vibrant and bright. It’s so active, so much movement! It makes me happy. It just makes me smile to see these charming diyas, I love the cheerful lights and decors adorning all the stores and homes. What happens in homes is even better! The food! Oh! The Besan ke laddoo, karanjis, chaklis, shankarpala, chivda, the dry fruits! So crunchy and snacky! These specialties too are so varied so colorful and in different, fun shapes! Yea I’m a child, I still make my mom make everything in mini sizes, just ‘cause it’s fun!

I just know when Diwali is approaching, the air gets crisp, everything shimmers, there’s this positivity, such energy around, you can feel it. People are shopping, making plans for their holidays, children are making Shivaji’s forts. Oh! How I miss that! I will be helping out my nephew hopefully, gosh I feel old! You have to gift sweets to one another, visit each other, eat together, drink and play cards together, family prays together, everyone’s gleaming in their brand new clothes!

Diwali is something that everyone looks forward to, and something that’s celebrated unanimously across the country. I think there’s more to it, there’s such a message, of togetherness, of success, of novelty, of good health, of sharing, of brotherhood, of spreading light and welcoming each other and just being joyful and thankful- all summing into peace and love.

I am against fire crackers though, been over ten years. Although just to keep with the spirit, I light one or two fuljhadis on the day of Lakshmi Pujan but that’s just about all. I do believe in making it more ecological and I hope you will too. It’s the need of the day.

My grandparents are being dearly missed this season. I do look forward to spending it with people really close to my heart.

Wish you all a bright, colourful, happy and a safe festive season!

Mind over Matter

The last few days have been difficult, way too many emotions, way too many worries and to make it worse, I had the devil producing babies in my idle mind. So to cope with that, given that I had no other reliable source of support than myself, I did this exercise where I made up my mind, and this time I REALLY  made up my mind, I wasn't kidding, to make it do what I wanted it to do. So basically, I did away with my heart. Usually, in my case, my heart is where my brain is, and they don't get along. I have excellent examples around me of people who are so logical, who have organised thoughts and so have organised ways to deal with things, they're capable of really making up their mind and sticking to it. Inspiration! So I resolved. I woke up, I had to go work, I was thinking it's going to be difficult and I probably be pretty unproductive since everything was just so fresh, and I just said, 'I'm not fine, I have things to figure out but this will not affect my work or my appetite, because that's stupid, so shouldn't be, and complaining isn't going to help.' And I was fine the entire day, I remembered  never to give up on that thought, my mind so proudly produced! And it worked. A willpower thing I guess. I thought earlier I should just distract myself but I knew that was only just temporary, something that I did before, and it would all erupt at some inappropriate time like it always did, but I wanted to be very conscious of my worries and yet function the way I would when everything's just the way it should be. Not deny. I'm basking in the fact that I'm atleast capable of it. It's only just the beginning.

But then 'It is easier to act yourself into a new way of feeling rather than feel your way into a new way of acting,' (G.D. Morgan).

On a day like today..

..all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, shut my eyes tight, not say a word and just wipe out last evening from my memory. I haven't felt shame in long, and I didn't see it coming the way it did yesterday when I should have. When I should've used my brains and thought, when I should have picked up my plate and stuffed my face atleast once in the day. Shame and regret are terrible feelings to feel and it's a game played by your own conscience. Noone really cared I guess about what really went down, they'll even forget, but me, it's all in my head, my mind games, my assumptions and my guilt. Mistakes I make wakes up my conscience. My conscience, it's way too active, too active for my own good. But I'm glad I have it. I am. I feel because of it, it makes me think, it makes me resolve to do the right thing, it makes me a good person, it gives me a jerk and wakes me up, it makes me learn, it puts me where I should be when things are going wrong. And that's a good thing. It's a blessing. I just wished it didn't have to weigh down on me that much and all of makes me wish I didn't make mistakes at all, I am going to try not to, but I am human. I don't want to make unrealistic resolutions. But all the emotions that bring you down are inevitable I guess. That's where the art of letting go comes in, and I'm not too good at it. I want to beable to realise, resolve and then relax, I guess I am being to hard on myself. Or maybe not. I hope it all passes, that time will be forgiving, that time will make it better and I don't have to feel like this anymore.